07/23/2010
Dear Family,
I write this letter generalized to all of my family, I know that each of you may feel differently and have responded to me and to my partner Carrie-Anne differently. But instead of writing six letters to my parents, my siblings and their spouses, I have opted to write one letter. This letter is not written for my nieces and nephews. Some things may apply to you and others may not. I ask that you read with an open heart and mind. The things I write are very personal and I view as very close to my heart, and any time someone writes about their feelings of love, I believe it to be sacred.
I have thought about writing a letter to everyone for a long time now. I have struggled, debated, contemplated, prayed, reasoned, and analyzed over what to say, how to say it, and why I am saying it. I am finally to the point where I need to express my feelings, thoughts, perception, and what is and is not okay with me.
I love each of you so very much. I love the moments we have shared and all we have in common and yes I even love our differences –even if it is just because it is entertaining. I feel I have been patient, understanding, respectful and loving to all of my family; especially since everyone found out, that Yes I am a Gay Woman. I know and understand that you are struggling, hurting, even grieving for what you feel is a loss. I am sure in your heart you mean well. I am sure you love me, even if you are not sure how to express or show it. I know this is hard for you because of what you have been taught and what you believe to be true. I will not engage in a debate of who is wrong or right, what is true and what are lies. I know we will not agree.
However, us all not agreeing on religious ideology or theology or doctrine does not change the fact that I am a gay woman. Being gay is not a phase; it does not make someone a pedophile or a pervert “all of a sudden”. One does not choose to be gay, they may choose to stop lying about it and hiding who they are and how they feel, but they do not wake up and say “I think I will be gay now”. I choose to stop lying about who I was and who I love. It is not about sex, it is not about ruining families or bringing down America-It is about love, just as you and your family is about love and living what you believe to be right & true. I was taught how bad, perverted, and evil homosexuals are, it was what I have heard, and even at times agreed to. Any wonder why I was so angry and hated myself when I was younger? Any wonder why I turned to perception drugs to try to cope? So many fasts and prayers I did, so many bishops I counseled with since after high school, so many attempts to be “normal” and accepted by my family and the church of my youth. So many relationships closeted. You may think this is all “new”-that I just became gay, but it is not, it is just the first time I had the God given strength and courage to stand and choose not to lie or hide who I was or who I have a relationship with. I have know I was gay since early childhood, I had secret crushes on girls, I knew I was different and fought myself. I knew how to “fit in” and I did so the best I could. I was 25 years old, the first time I told mom and dad, and a few others, right before Thanksgiving. I told them then that I love women and I wanted to be with one woman-that I was a gay woman. Their responses terrified me and broke me. I felt so hurt, lost and alone. I was so scared my family would cut me out of their lives that I would not be allowed around my nieces and nephews. I went back into hiding and swore I wouldn’t ever be “honest” again. I had bishops counsel me to “just live spiritually and die emotionally and in a way physically too”. I tried, even dated Joe and was engaged for a very short time even though I knew I did not love him, that it was not a good relationship-but I tried so hard to convince myself that I could make it work. That I could make myself pretend to love him long enough that eventually I would forget what love felt like. I wanted so badly for my family to accept me to be proud of me. I did everything the church and bishops asked of me, but I was dying inside. And I have reached a point in my life that I did not wish to die. I do not want to lie or hide. I am not ashamed of who I am or how I feel. I know that I do not have a disease, I am not sick. I do not need to be fixed, cured, or “made better”. For example, when telling someone that I work with GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender) youth and their families to help them stay together, deal with issues, so that they can have healthy supportive relationships and then to be asked “what you don’t help them get better?” is to insinuate that I and anyone who is GLBT is sick, needs to be fixed and I could not disagree more.
Being gay it is not all of me or what makes me who I am; however, it IS a part of who I am, it is a slice from the whole “Cathi Jarvis pie” . I am a good person. I am genuinely happy and the for the first time in my short life I feel so good and whole, I feel free. I have had no desire of release with prescription drugs, with hurting my self, insomnia, or depression. It is awesome! My health is better that it has been in so long! It is evident I have put on some happy weight, but that is coming back down. Can you not see it-how happy I am? It is possible you cannot. I want to express to you strongly that I am still me. I am Cathi Jarvis. I have values and morals. I am good contributing member of society. I help hundreds of people. I love people, I am passionate and will fight for freedom and what I believe is right. I cherish good friends. I am proud of who I am and what I do. I love my family, and I would help anyone who needs it. I try to be respectful and good to everyone and not judge them as I am not God. I do believe in God, always have. I believe God is good, and loves-unconditionally. I believe He gave me the strength to finally be free from lies and hiding, He helped me come out and blessed me with love. I truly believe that being Christian is to love everyone for who they are, regardless of what they do, what they’ve done, or who they love. That we are to be gentle and kind to everyone and help people along their journeys in life and doing the best we can with what we have. Christ taught love and acceptance. And I am also a gay woman. I believe in monogamous committed relationships and that they should be about love. Do you? Love does not know color, race, religion or gender, it just is. And I am deeply in love with my life-partner Carrie-Anne. There are so many slice to this pie that make me who I am. I know and believe that everyone does not need to know or see all of me (and thank goodness!) I have different relationships with my professional colleagues, acquaintances, clients; however, my family knowing, seeing, accepting me-which is the equivalent to loving all of me, is something I have felt and still feel strongly, that that is what makes a family –it is what separates family from friends, from co-workers, from acquaintances. I feel now that my family would rather be more of an acquaintance but still hold the title of family. I want and need a “family” to be a FAMILY.
I want to be able to hang out, feel comfortable, and just be myself. I want to share my family with my partner in life-Carrie-Anne. Here are some questions I want you to ask yourselves and maybe shed some light onto where I am coming from. Do you want the person who means the most to you in your life, who you have committed to, who you now recognize as part of your family—do you want to share them with your family? Do you long and desire to have them be welcomed and loved by the family you love so much? Do you want them to be able to hang out with family—your parents, siblings, in-laws, nieces and nephews— to laugh, play games, hear & tell stories with all of your family? Do you want your family to get to know the one person in your life who means everything to you, who you feel God has blessed you with? Do you want them to know and see why they are so amazing? I know I do.
Do you think that I am any different, or that Carrie-Anne is any different? Do you think that we are not a family and that our relationship is null and void of any love? Void of any desire to be with and get to know each others’ family? We are a family and we value & love our families. I love Carrie-Anne’s family, and I have been welcomed by them. They all do not agree that we are gay or that we are together, BUT they still welcome Carrie-Anne and I as we are, as a couple. I feel loved there. We go to family gatherings, dinners, blessings, and holidays. They visit us and do things with us. And their children are present during the whole time, I know it is hard to believe, but it is true.
I feel hurt and I do not understand where my family is coming from when they don’t want Carrie-Anne to come to dinner or to be around the kids. When we are invited to go to the rodeo with the family, but she cannot come to the adult dinner. When some family members would “like to meet Carrie-Anne but not at family functions and not with children around, as they want to meet her but not see her and I together –as a couple” how does that make any sense. And may I ask, what your response would be to your partner-your spouse if they heard this from your family? What would you say and do when you look in his/her eyes and saw them hurting and crying confused at why they do not like you? What would you say? The most wonderful person you know, that has enriched your life, and whom you find yourself more in love with every day-even with all the struggles—what do you say when they are crying, feeling so intensely disliked? Sometimes when I answer the phone, I am in the car which has Bluetooth built in, which means it is a major speakerphone. She hears what you say. She has tender feelings and so do I, we feel hurt and confused.
I am still trying to understand. I don’t want to have to choose between my family and Carrie-Anne, she doesn’t want me to have to choose; but I feel that my family is covertly giving me an ultimatum. I feel I am on egg shells with my family, that I have to be careful what I say, when I can mention Carrie-Anne and when I cannot, when we are invited or when it is only me who is invited. I have tried to understand, I have been respectful of wishes made by my family to come alone, to not say anything about Carrie-Anne. I have tried to play with schedules, or if Carrie-Anne is with me I have to make sure that only certain members of my family are present, because if some members are I cannot come over with Carrie-Anne.
What is your opinion and view of me? Is it really as low as to not trust me around children?! To not trust me to have proper interactions with Carrie-Anne around my family who has different beliefs and views and is struggling to know how to deal with it all? To think that I would say or do anything in front of children or any of you for that matter, that would taint or hurt them? To believe so is to vilify me. Do you do things as a couple in front of your children or other children that is disrespectful or gross? No you don’t, why then would I or Carrie-Anne? Do you not believe children are smart and extremely perceptive and adaptable and or can see things-no matter what you do or do not say? What are you sheltering them from? What do you feel or think you would have to explain to them? What are you scared of your children seeing when they see Carrie-Anne and I together? That two people have fun, care for one another, and love each other. Your children are smart enough to pick up on the fact that Carrie-Anne is special to me and that she makes me happy. That's all that really counts and I don't see that as information that "harms" them in any way. And eventually, as they get older, they will figure out that their aunt Cathi is gay and has a partner-even if no one says anything. How they react to that reality is in many ways up to you and what and how you decided to teach your children.
I do not want any of you out of my life. I love you all so much; which is why this has been so painful. I will always do my best to be respectful and loving and not purposefully be offensive or hurtful. I would love and appreciate the same respect and love from you. If you are unable to do so now, that is fine; I am hopeful you will be someday. I am optimistic about it. So, do not invite me to come to something alone-please. It is hurtful and hard to do, and I cannot do it any longer. It is the invitation to come alone-to come and have it be the way that looks “normal”, I feel like I am ask to pretend that I am still in denial about myself, still going to the same church, that I can be uncomfortable as long as no one else is, at least that is how it feels. If you do feel that you do something or hang out that would be great. If you feel that you can invite us great. Now obviously, just as like everyone else, there will be times, where if we are invited to something, there are schedule conflicts and neither of us can attend or that only I can come and that is fine-that is life. And if we are both invited, and I Carrie-Anne cannot come but I can, I will. If I am invited to attend something with the understanding I can only come if I come alone, know that I will politely and respectfully decline. Maybe to give it some perspective, imagine what it would be like if I had been talking about having a fun dinner party and I was really excited about it and invited all the family-everyone, but then I tell you that you can bring anyone/everyone but your spouse, as they make me uncomfortable. Would you still want to come? Part of you yes, as you want to have fun and be with family –of course-we all do! But the other part of you wouldn’t, you would feel hurt and uncomfortable, feeling torn between two families. And you may do this, and go along with it because you love your family…but for how long? How long would you do it, how much stress and hurt would you allow to be put on your spouse and your relationship with your spouse before you said something? I know this takes time…and I am not sure how to go about it. I just know something has got to give. Maybe doing small simple things, like steps, maybe come swim, go to the zoo, ride the greenbelt, or go to the park with Carrie-Anne and I. If you want to get to know Carrie-Anne first before you want to do things with all of your family; that is okay, let’s figure it out.
I love you all so much, and I hope that you have been able to place your self where I am and try to see and feel what it is like from here. I love you and I will never stop loving you. I look forward to all the moments and memories we will make together-as a family if you will allow it. I am always here, and always will be.
love me
